CHAPTER 1: Nani-ma and Johnny depp.

Chapter 1

“Ma this is America not Pakistan, we don’t watch goats for entertainment…”

My life is officially over…like before it even started. Seriously!

Oh gosh that was a bit dramatic wasn’t it? I mean who starts writing a story like that…

All because my grandparents think I’m not muslamic enough…and their solution? have me move in with them :O :O :O

“What is this A’eesha…?” Nani-ma walks in, her hands raised theatrically to the high heavens.

“You… you, you have naked men in your room, astagfirullah…besharom! You will be the end of me!” she cries holding onto the edge of my bed threatening me with a fall.

Yes a fall. I’m not kidding you know. My grandmother has this crazy stunt of half falling onto the floor whenever she sees anything she deems a tad inappropriate and of course it’s my dada’s job is to pull her back up again while he silently curses her under his breath.

“Chill ma, this is just the ever so gorgeous Johnny Depp.” I said grinning at her.

I even attempted to stroke the poster to raise her blood pressure.

Bad move. I’m actually cackling like a witch remembering the way she chased me around the bed with her sandal.

“Ash stop it…” Mum walks in tutting disapprovingly at me.

She takes my grandparents by the shoulders and guides them or rather saves them from hell’s hole.

“Maybe nani-ma would love to know about the frozen bacon stuffed behind the chap-patee you brought…” I whispered mockingly.

She shushed me and shut the door quickly behind her back.

Serves her right you know; I’m always in the firing line when nani-ma and dada visit from London or rather muslim-stan they call it. I asked them if they rode camels for transport.

Whaaaaaaat. I thought it was funny; well I think mum found it funny too but of course I got sent to my room.

“You know you spoil these kids…in the room is a paradise for them you know, I see she has a laptop and subhan’Allah a T.V can you believe a T.V …you know in my time..” Nani-ma then begins a famous monologue about ten siblings sharing a hut and drawing on the walls for fun and games..

“Ma this is America not Pakistan, we don’t watch goats for entertainment…”


“Alright dad I’m going, I’m going!”

I dashed up to my room and jumped onto my bed putting on ‘THE WEEKEND’ on full blast. Haha, any minute you’ll hear nani-ma drop.

I do love them so but every summer they visit it’s kind of a chore you know?

More so for mum I bet; they’re still pretty miffed that their son upped and left London 17 years ago eloping with an English girl and moved 3,000 miles away to Winona Minnesota.

But that’s another story which needs another cold, quiet night like tonight to write about.

Ting! –
Hey wat up Ashley, u kl?   [BAE <3]

Maybe not bae yet but maybe soon to be bae if these quizzes online I’ve been doing are actually as legit as they say they are; I’ve tried the love calculator many times but,.



“I’ve done my whudu, are you coming…?”

“Masha’Allah I’m coming darling….”

Well the Lord awaits folks, I guess you got to wait to find out what happened with ‘Bae’ *cringe* I’ll be back but in the meantime…don’t try the love calculator…stick to the normal ones.


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